Different Ways to Grieve, All Valid
Grief does not follow a single path. Each person’s journey through loss is shaped by their personality, culture, and coping mechanisms. Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin identified two primary grieving styles: intuitive and instrumental. Recognizing these approaches helps individuals honor their grief and fosters understanding in relationships.
Intuitive grievers experience grief through emotions and feelings. They may cry openly, seek support, and find solace in sharing their pain. They are drawn to therapy, journaling, and expressive outlets. Processing grief can be overwhelming, making safe spaces for emotional release essential. Practices like meditation, storytelling, and creative expression support intuitive grievers in navigating their sorrow.
Instrumental grievers process grief cognitively, focusing on problem-solving and action. They channel grief into projects, research, and structured activities, often preferring tasks over emotional expression. Instead of talking about their feelings, they may honor loved ones through practical means, such as organizing memorials or creating legacy projects. Movement-based activities like exercise or crafting can also help them process grief.
Most people fall somewhere between intuitive and instrumental grieving, shifting styles depending on the situation. Understanding these differences improves communication and reduces isolation. An intuitive griever may misinterpret an instrumental griever’s need for action as avoidance, while an instrumental griever may struggle to understand why an intuitive griever expresses emotions repeatedly. Validating both styles fosters support and connection.
To support intuitive grievers, create spaces for emotional expression, encourage artistic outlets, and acknowledge the physical toll of grief. For instrumental grievers, offer meaningful tasks, suggest movement-based activities, and respect their need for private processing. Supporting others means avoiding judgment and honoring their natural coping mechanisms.
There is no correct way to grieve. By recognizing intuitive and instrumental grieving, we cultivate self-compassion and understanding. Grief is as unique as the love we carry, and holding space for different styles allows for deeper connection and healing.
Resources:
Doka, K. J., & Martin, T. L. (2010). Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Meaning Reconstruction & the Experience of Loss.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner.